How to tell your parents your gay
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35% of youth report coming out before age 13, while only 8% of LGBTQ+ adults ages 18-24 surveyed said they came out prior to age 13.
While many parents are supportive of their LGBTQ+ children, not everyone comes from an accepting family. Start by jotting down key points you want to convey: your feelings, your fears, and your hopes. Especially helpful for parents who just learned your identity and/or who are struggling.
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- Think ahead about how you want to come out.
As the person coming out, you’ve been thinking about your LGBTQ identity for years, but it can take time for parents to adjust. Or, they could be shocked, sad, confused, angry or condemning.
If they react poorly, remind yourself that their initial response may not reflect their long-term feelings.
Yes, anticipate questions and be ready to explain your feelings in a way they can understand. Instead, acknowledge the importance of the topic and suggest revisiting it soon. The goal is to express your truth authentically, not to deliver a monologue.
It may take a long time for them to become accepting and supportive as they adjust and change their view of the family and your future.
Get ready for a wide range of reactions.
- Your parents could be relieved, understanding, loving, affectionate and supportive when you come out. This could include:
- Printed Materials: Brochures from organizations like PFLAG or The Trevor Project offer concise, factual information.
- Online Articles: Websites like GLAAD and Human Rights Campaign provide in-depth articles addressing common misconceptions and family-specific concerns.
- Personal Narratives: Books, podcasts, or videos featuring LGBTQ+ individuals sharing their coming out stories can humanize the experience for your parent.
- Local Support Groups: Information about local PFLAG chapters or LGBTQ+ community centers can offer your parent a space to connect with others navigating similar journeys.
Caution: Avoid overly academic or confrontational materials.
Coming Out To Parents LGBTQIA+, HealthyPlace. Children fear rejection, so being nervous about this is very common -- and almost expected. Setting clear boundaries afterward is essential to ensure your identity is honored, not just tolerated. If they are not accepting at first, they may change and come around.
If there are people that you would rather not know about your decision, it is important to tell your parents to be discreet; they may unknowingly tell someone that you would rather they not.
If you decide to get involved with the lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgendered community, it may be unrealistic to expect friends and family to take part right away.
These moments create a natural space for vulnerability and understanding.
To pinpoint the ideal time, observe your parent’s daily rhythm. Overloading them with information might overwhelm, while too little might leave them with questions. Temporarily limit contact? Instead of saying, “I’m gay,” try, “I’ve known I’m gay for a while now, and it’s a part of me I want to share with you.” Specificity humanizes your experience and makes it harder for your parents to dismiss.
While some showed unconditional support, others struggled with their child’s sexual orientation, fearing alienation from their extended family, their church, or their community. Will you be physically safe?
- If your worst case scenario is really bad, this may not be the time.
- If you are living apart from parents and are financially independent, this is less of a consideration.
Keep in mind that your parents are in a different place than you on this path.
- You’ve been thinking about this for a while, but it may be a surprise to your parents.
- Your parents could be relieved, understanding, loving, affectionate and supportive when you come out. This could include: