When did you know you were gay
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“When I was 23, a McDonald’s cheeseburger would’ve done it. He wanted to know the moment when the realization of our sexuality descended upon us. To open myself up, and I did. I couldn’t afford a lisp, and I was fresh out of scarves and plaid pants. The seats began to fill up and once there weren’t more than one or two still free, our professor walked in, at which point I did a reluctant double-take: My Women’s Studies 101 teacher was a man, which is a story for another time, but let me say that my expectations were shattered.
If I was gay, I wondered if it meant that I would be required to cut my hair into a buzzcut like the (first, ostensibly) lesbian (I had ever confirmed as such) my mother had pointed out to me at the Ralph Lauren outlet in a middle-class country town you might find somewhere like Vermont; a country town where you might find lesbians.
I don’t recall any non-queer students sharing a story aloud on that first day of class, but I do remember wondering if the night I watched that Brandon Lee movie was the moment I knew I was a lesbian.
My sense of (unpleasant) absurdity met with a deep-seated outrage, and in that moment I lost a great deal of hope I hadn’t imagined losing in a women’s studies class.
My disappointment lasted a few weeks, at least, but I would work through it. See what’s inside.
Then he hit me with…
“What makes your d*** hard? In high school, I had been a slacker of the highest order, but I was not going to miss a minute of Women’s Studies 101.
Queerness: When Did You First Know?
When did you first know you were queer?How did this materialize and when did you first define it?
My journey to queerness is not a specific point in time, rather, it was something that I grew into. But I didn’t wake up because I wasn’t sleeping.
What does it mean that I’m more interested in my best friend’s sister than I am in him? I spent a few years being an ally because I felt like no matter who I loved I stil wanted to be part of the queer community. Here is what other people within our community have to say about when they first knew they were queer:
“I watched 'The Rocky Horror Picture Show' and that changed something in me.
He spoke with great eloquence about topics I had never heard a person speak aloud about. I fell in love with her that day, but never saw her again after that.”
When did you first know you were queer?
Let us know in the comments or on our Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/theselfpluscollective/
Matt’s Substack
Coming out late is like being born halfway through your life.
I smiled. The point is that the queer kids had all been asked this question countless times before; lovingly, confusedly, angrily. What is happening within me and how do I define my own sexuality?
I started to explore my queerness more after that, and solidified myself in my queer identity. Let it be. I still struggle with finding the right word to fit my sexuality.
Or bisexual. Or a leaf blower.”
To him, it was just that simple. And even though I’d never given myself properly to a man, coitus, fornication, lovemaking, and sensuality were the last thing on my mind. But when did I first know? (Maybe the second to last.)
What I was most curious about was whether what I believed was true, was true.